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Lucille Howe, 44, an actress, can relate to Hayley’s fear of female friendship.
Lucille, who lives in Beckenham, Kent, with partner Rama Knight, 39, a photographer, may have a high-flying career and jet-setting lifestyle — but she only has her younger sister to offer loyal, female companionship.‘At times I wonder who I’d invite to my hen do, or talk to if I had relationship problems,’ she says.‘I’ll see groups of mums with their prams, laughing, or looking at pictures on their phones, and they seem to be having the best time.
Yet for a surprising number of women, the mere idea of being part of a big group of females can be enough to fill them with horror.
Often scarred by girl bullies at school, or lonely isolation in their teenage years, they’re either too scared to make female friends or believe having girlfriends is too risky to their emotional health.
I didn’t leave school or university with proper girl friends.’Lucille remained closed to female rapport throughout her 20s. However, once again her competitive instinct kicked in.‘It was all about how good you looked in a bikini, so I’d be running on the beach at 5am, going to the gym every day,’ she says.
‘A perfectionist, I was very hard on myself.’When she did try to connect with other women, Lucille says it backfired.
‘My view of women has been skewed both by school and the kind of work I’ve done,’ she says.‘I wish I could reverse the way my brain has been programmed.’Lucille was put off the idea of female friendships from the age of 11, when she was sent to the all-girl convent boarding school.‘In the first week, a group of girls barricaded part of the common room off with cushions.I could feel the rest of the class looking at me, my cheeks burned and tears stung my eyes.I wanted to run and never come back.’Today, Hayley is a full-time social media co-ordinator and blogger and lives with her husband, Jon, 43, a stay-at-home dad, and their three young sons.But behind the guarded, confident exterior was a girl who shied away from friendships for fear of ridicule or rejection.Psychotherapist Anna Pinkerton, author of Smile Again: Your Recovery From Burnout, Breakdown And Overwhelming Stress, says this natural defence strategy can lead to later problems.‘Over the years, our brains collect evidence to endorse our early decisions,’ she explains.